First of all I am a certified Anderson and Anderson Anger Management Consultant. That means that I am approved for court ordered anger management using their techniques. Whether an individual has been ordered by a magistrate to seek counseling or face jail time, or you just sense that you’re spending too much time and energy obsessing on the negative and lashing out (often more than reasonable), you likely could benefit from anger management therapy.
“I can’t control my anger” is an enabling belief.
I often hear, “I can’t control my anger.” Maybe, maybe not. If a 350-pound man with a gun and a badge got out of a car at which you just flipped the bird – my guess is most of us with huge anger problems would find new-found calm and restraint.
Scratch Anger and you’ll find hurt – and vice versa
Generally, people get angry because they feel disrespected. Someone cuts you off on the highway and they have disrespected you. Your spouse didn’t stop at the store on the way home like you asked – they disrespected you, etc. So, the basis of anger is actually hurt feelings. Most of the men reading this may find focusing on hurt feelings far less palatable than embracing anger. So much so that it has become automatic. In truth, the same can be said for women with anger issues. Also worth thinking about is that some people only get angry at something that fits with their self-identity. If I say, “I don’t like you – you’re purple!”, most likely you would think, “this guy is nuts.” However, if I say, “I don’t like you; you’re (fill in the blank – fat, tall, short, skinny, etc.), that will hurt your feelings (assuming you chose something that describes you) and that may lead to anger. It probably will if you are someone who felt the need to read this section.
Would you want your child to marry someone with anger issues like yours?
My guess is probably not. And continuing the anger teaches your children to accept, if not expect, that in their lives. The near God-like impressions children often have of their parents is usually imprinted, and at some level children marry people like their opposite sexed parent and may spend a lifetime trying to “cure” them. Even after that realization, it is a long road to quell the raging fire of anger and the deep hurt that fuels it.
